How to Encourage Independence in Toddlers
Success in achieving age- and stage-appropriate autonomy and independence throughout childhood has a profound impact on the way children mature. Children are naturally motivated to make things happen.
If their early efforts are successful and fulfilling, children will continue to grow and develop competence. If their early efforts are consistently unsuccessful and frustrating, children will carry negative views of themselves into adulthood.
Children get feedback about attempts at independence from parents and other important caregivers. When parents support emerging independence, they express their confidence in their child’s growing abilities. Such expressions create the desire to increase independent behaviors and help children feel successful, further enhancing self-esteem and self-confidence.
What are some of the ways parents can support emerging independence and autonomy?
During the first year of life, infants learn that they can trust the world to be a safe and responsive place by your quick responses to crying; sensitive matching of what you do to what the baby needs; and warm, soothing holding and cuddling. Love, attention, and affection in the early months are the cornerstones for future independence and autonomy.
Near the end of the first year, children begin to resist being helped by their parents. This behavior signals the beginning of significant growth in several domains of development. Parents know when this happens. They pick up their baby, and he or she immediately wants to get down.
They try to put on their young toddler’s shoes, and he or she grabs the shoes and attempts to put them on alone.
At this time it is important to allow children to try things for themselves. Here are a few parenting tips to help your preschool child gain more independence.
Encourage Concentration and Effort
Tell your child, “Nice try” even if he/she doesn’t succeed at first. Expect mistakes, particularly in early attempts at a new skill. The noted psychologist Jean Piaget believed that children learn primarily by making mistakes and coming up with their own corrections. This is something we refer to as “trial and error”.
Monitor frustration, while allowing just enough of the trial and error process to keep the child interested but not so much that he/she gets discouraged. Making mistakes and figuring out solutions can be fun as children learn!
Support Early Attempts at Independence
Some of the early results of independence may not have the results you expected such as shoes on the wrong feet, sock heels on the top of feet instead of where they belong, backward pants, and inside-out shirts all signal that your child has persevered.
For a toddler, getting it done is more important than getting it done right. Wait a little longer, and they will get it done right as well!
Talk Your Children through the Process
Talk children through what they are doing by describing their actions. “You’ve almost got your arm in the sleeve” or “You’re using two hands so the juice won’t spill!” These verbal cues help children see the impact of their actions as they occur and encourage a better understanding of how things work.
Verbal support provides important feedback that you feel your child can succeed.
Expect Regression with New Skills
Children may accomplish a task once and not be able to repeat that success in many subsequent tries. They may also lose interest for quite some time in tasks that once held their attention. This is part of the natural process of learning and developing.
Don’t be alarmed when regression or loss of interest occurs.
Teach Discreet Skills in Small Increments
If the child wants to put on his or her own shoes, start by opening the tongue up nice and wide and letting your child slip his or her feet into the shoes. After succeeding with this step, then teach the child how to pull the tongue out and loosen the laces. If a child wants to feed himself, offer food that is just the size for fingers, and put a spoon on the plate, too.
After your child perfects finger feeding, you can offer them a spoon with their next meal.
Reassess Children’s Capabilities
Growth and development is a dynamic process. Children often develop new skills before it registers with parents that things have changed. Noted infant and toddler specialist Magda Gerber advocates spending some time each day watching your child play.
These observations will cue you to new skills and abilities soon after they emerge and allow you to modify your expectations based on what you observe.
It is very tempting for parents to say, “No!” But constant “no’s” are discouraging and frustrating to a child’s emerging independence.
Instead, try to distract or redirect your child to a more appropriate independent activity.
For example, if your child is climbing on the coffee table, take your child’s hand and lead him or her to a place where it is safe to climb. This approach stops inappropriate behavior while supporting independence and skill-building.
During this period, however, set clear limits and establish boundaries on independence. Let children know what they can do while making clear what they cannot do. It may be perfectly acceptable to get into and out of your own car seat, but hand-holding in parking lots is not optional because not doing it is unsafe.
Just because a child “wants to” doesn’t mean he or she should be permitted to do it, even if the child falls apart when told “no.” Setting limits gives children a secure space for exploration without feeling frightened or frustrated. Without the security of knowing where the safe boundaries are, children won’t continue to venture out and explore new territory.
Parents play the biggest role in encouraging and supporting children’s emerging independence. It can get overwhelming. This Wondeful Affirmation and Coloring Sheets is a great mindful activity and will help you have some time out to relax and help you remind how AWESOME you are while trying to get through these times of adjustments.
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Read more blogs at Parent Advisor and Play Boutique websites for more information on setting appropriate limits and handling temper tantrums that may result from enforcing safe boundaries.